I have two of the most amazing kids on the planet. I know every mom says that about her kids, but in my case, it’s really true! Equally amazing to me, is that I raised them in the same house, with the same rules and morals, the same unconditional love, and yet they are so completely different. How does that even happen?
With her Asperger’s, Lian is my rule follower, my black and white, critical thinker. Several years ago when Lian was attending the community college, she rode the RTA bus to and from school each day. It was free for the students to ride, and each semester the college issued a sticker to put on the student’s ID, which got them on the bus for free. In January when she was going back to class after the holidays, we hadn’t received the new winter semester sticker in the mail yet. She called me in a panic and I told her to just ride the bus, with the fall sticker on it. No mom, I can’t do that. Honey, the sticker is ½ inch big, they won’t look that closely at it, it’s the same driver that sees you every day getting on the bus, he knows you’re a student, as you have your ID, and it’s free to ride. Tell them you should get the sticker in the mail this week. “Mom, there’s no integrity in that! I won’t get on the bus with an expired sticker.” Nate and I? We would have hopped on that bus in a hot second without giving it a thought.
Nate is my outgoing, never-met-a-stranger, let’s push the boundaries, learn everything the hard way kid. While Lian spent the first 17 months of her life in a crib at an orphanage where she was rarely touched or held, Nate spent his formative years (7) in a loving orphanage with lots of kids to play with. Their humble beginnings set them each on very different paths in life. Having said that, they are each true to themselves, and I love that about them. But man are they different!
When they were little and we were on vacation with the family, celebrating my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary, my folk’s car got broken into while we were all playing miniature golf. When the police came to make a report, they told us that the perpetrator “broke the window, reached in and unlocked the doors, then took what he needed.” Lian’s response to the policeman was this: “Was it really a need, or was it more of a want?” Nate’s response was: “That’s why I’m going to be superman when I grow up, so I can get rid of the bad guys!” Completely different responses, but completely in character with who each of them are.
So I guess it should come as no surprise to me that they approach their relationship with my mom differently. Kind of like me and my brother. Living with someone with Alzheimer’s and the daily challenges that brings, is different than visiting someone with Alzheimer’s for a few days. It’s easier to be patient on a short-term basis vs. the daily grind of 24 hour caregiving responsibilities.
Lian is so gentle and patient with grandma, and she absolutely gets concerned for me when she sees me losing my patience with her. “Mom, are you ok?” Breaks my heart that she needs to think about that. When we hear a loud noise coming from mom’s room, Lian is the first to jump up to see if she is ok. When she falls, Lian sits on the floor with her and holds her till I can get help. On the other hand, Lian can’t tolerate the same questions being asked over and over, or the lack of mom’s ability to track any conversations, compounded by her extreme deafness. She is easily frustrated, as am I.
Nate has the patience of Job. Every couple of months, he’ll come up from Cincinnati for the day to hang with us. He will sit and talk to mom for hours – actually he mostly listens as she rambles on and on… One day she spent a good hour giving him dating advice from the 50’s. “You should take a girl out to the soda shop for a milk shake, and then if you like her, she can wear your pin, etc." So I say, mom, kids don’t date like that these days! And Nate tells me, mom its ok, just let her talk. When we’re out and about, he just takes her hand and guides her wherever she needs to go. “Come on Grandma, come with me.” I’m actually a bit jealous of his ability to unconditionally love her right where she’s at. But then I remind myself that I could probably be more patient in a temporary setting with her as well.
Two kids that equally adore my mom, but navigate her Alzheimer’s in very different ways. I couldn’t be more proud of each of them!
Thank goodness for this truth that sustains me: “What is chaotic to you is controlled by your Savior. What is confusing to you is understood by your Lord.” ~ Paul Tripp
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