Today, I was so exasperated with mom that I said something unkind. Today I broke. Today I was human, and I own that. But at the same time, I hate that. I hate that I can’t respond patiently 100% of the time. I hate that I get so frustrated instead of seeing her as a victim of this disease. I hate wondering how long she will live, and if I will survive that long. I hate that this disease affects my kids, and everything about my life. I hate that my home is no longer a haven for me. I know all these feelings are typical for someone in my situation, but I still hate it.
I truly don’t understand her preoccupation with the thought that I am trying to kill her with the medications that were prescribed by her physician. Is that Alzheimer’s? It’s for sure paranoia. But we have the same conversation every single night. And every night she says she won’t ask it anymore. And every night she doesn’t remember that she said that same thing last night. So tonight after I gave her the pills, she looked me in the eye and said “are you trying to kill me?” I stared into her eyes for about 10 seconds, and then yelled, "that’s a STUPID question!” and walked out. I heard her say “You’re right, I’m stupid.” That was like a dagger to my heart.
Today I was unkind. I didn’t represent Christ well to my mom. Today I was human. But today I choose to forgive myself. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will do better.
Comments