It’s the end of an era. The house in Gainesville was loved and well lived in by my parents for almost 40 years. They lived there longer than any other home they were in. The home contained 40 years of memories, laughter, wonderful family times, but also 40 years of accumulated stuff. That ‘stuff’ included treasures from all over the world as they traveled the globe on many adventures together. It included photographs, genealogy, memories, old quilts, my dad’s dissertations, and my mom’s wedding dress. But that wonderful home also held lots of things that people who grew up in the depression held onto: bags of coat hangers, sheets of foil that had been used, ironed and were ready to be re-used, every article of clothing that they had ever worn, every receipt for car oil changes in the last 50 years. You get the idea 😊and their house was huge. For the last 3 years that mom has been in Cleveland, the thought of cleaning out and selling that house loomed over my head (as well as my brothers).
My niece and nephew lived in the house while attending UF, even while mom was up north. Last month, my niece graduated, so my brother and I could put it off no longer – we needed to empty and sell the house. I can’t even describe how overwhelming it was to walk into that home again after a 4-year absence. It felt like nothing had changed. My brother, sister-in-law and I got to work; it was at the same time sad, overwhelming, exhausting, but occasionally fun. We found things we didn’t know existed. Hidden treasures. We laughed about the ridiculousness of things they chose to save. But for me, it felt like we were throwing away someone’s life. 80+ years of life, and 40 years in that home. It all came down to which of the few things we wanted; the rest would be sold or donated. Things that were so important to them. Things that represented important memories to them. But things that nobody else would want. My dad designed, and had a stained-glass artist make two hanging light fixtures in their library. He designed them to include all modes of transportation prior to the 20th century, so railroads, aqueducts, etc. I didn’t really want them, but man, I also didn’t want to leave them. They represented my dad’s passions and creativity. My brother and I had taken the things we each wanted to have, but the process was still hard. I remember mom describing this gorgeous glass basket of fruit that she carried on her lap on the plane ride home from England. It was the centerpiece on our dining room table for years. I didn’t want it, but it was nice and held lots of memories. I guess the good thing is that memories live in our mind, not necessarily in our stuff. The person who would end up purchasing it at Goodwill would not be aware of all that went along with the beautiful piece. The Lladro’s they brought back from Spain. I didn’t want them, but I know how much my parents loved them, so it felt bad getting rid of them. My dad had a wall which held all his awards for teaching and advancements in industry. There were probably 30. I didn’t want them. No one at Goodwill would want them. But to throw them away felt like getting rid of a lifetime of incredible accomplishments. The Estate sale guy said he would donate the trophies as the plaques with my dad’s name could be taken off, and the trophy could be re-used. Again, it felt like erasing a life. My dad’s dissertation for his PhD. Mom’s wedding China. At the same time there was this very real sense of the fact that when we step off the planet, none of our ‘stuff’ can go with us. It strengthened my resolve to not do this to my kids. I want to collect memories and adventures and experiences. I will not leave them with a house full of things to deal with after I die, like my parents left for me.
My brother drove to Fla, so he loaded his big truck with the things he wanted, and most of my dad’s paintings to share with family. I flew to Florida but ended up mailing 11 boxes to myself. I got my mom’s wedding gown, a few quilts that my grandma had made, lots of family photos, my dad’s journals and the two light fixtures. At some point one of my kids might have their own home and may want them. Or the kids will throw them away after I die – the jury’s out on that one!😊
After my brother and sister-in-law started their trip home, Lian and I had a few more days before flying back to Cleveland, so we decided to go on some adventures. Knowing it might be a very long time, if ever, that we would return to Gainesville, Lian wanted to do some of the things that she did with Grammie and Gramps when we visited each year. She has such fond memories of spending two weeks each summer, along with Nate, being spoiled by my parents, and wanted to re-create those experiences one last time. The first thing we did was have lunch with some very good friends. There was never a trip to Gainesville without seeing them for a meal! We dined at a restaurant that was new to us, and thoroughly enjoyed our time with them!
Next, we were off to the Natural History Museum. That was Lian’s favorite place to go with my dad. She took a photo of every animal in the place! And of course, because dad bought her something from the gift shop each time, we had to do that as well. She studied all the stuffed animals in the gift shop, as that is usually what she would get. But she opted for a T-shirt this time, indicating she’d outgrown stuffed animals.
Next stop was the bookstore. That was always an adventure with my mom. They would spend hours pouring over all the shelves at Books-A-Million, and each leave with several new works. I think we left there with 8 books, and she held onto all of them as she started the first one back at the house. Memories. They can be both painful and comforting at the same time.
The last stop on our day of adventure was Cold Stone Creamery for ice cream. Mind you, we have a Cold Stone close to our home in Cleveland, and we never go there. But because she remembered going there on every trip to Gainesville, we had to go. And it did not disappoint! I’m so glad that Lian got to re-experience so many good memories of her time with my parents. She was close to my dad and misses him dearly. She struggles interacting with my mom now, with her Alzheimer’s. I think this trip did her a world of good and provided some closure for her.
For me, the trip was frustrating, emotional, happy, and a thousand other emotions all wrapped into one.I had been dreading the practical-ness of it (cleaning, getting ready to sell).But just as Lian had her adventures to seal her warm memories of my parents and her trips to see them, I had my own adventures just looking through my moms’ dishes and remembering all the wonderful family meals.I reminisced looking through all the Christmas decorations, and the stockings we had as children.The huge dining room table that sat 10, and hosted so many extended family meals, guests, and holiday traditions.And yes, I brought back my dad’s light fixtures 😊 I could ‘t leave that piece of him there.
And so as the chapter of the house in Gainesville and all the memories it contained ends, a new one begins. One that will create different kinds of memories and adventures for me and my kids. And even though it feels like I erased a life, or two, I am confident that I will be spending all eternity in heaven with my parents, where we will each have a mansion with streets paved with gold. And in that mansion, they can have all the stuff they want!
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Lastly, a family update for my relatives and friends who read this:
Mom continues to do well in the facility she resides in. She is pretty much wheelchair-bound and is no longer able to feed herself. She is happy and still remembers family and friends. She thinks she is at her home in Fla, and I don’t correct that. She gets agitated at times, and continues to have other Alzheimer behaviors, but is physically very healthy.
Nate graduated from XU, and he and his big dog moved to Texas to start a new adventure out there. It makes me sad he is so far away, but it does a mom’s heart good to see him coming into his own and living his dream.
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