Living with someone who has Alzheimer’s disease, is often like having a two year old in your home. Toddlers are very egocentric. They’re supposed to be – that’s the developmental stage they are in. Their favorite word is “MINE!” There is a poem called “Toddler’s Creed” and I used to read it all the time when my kids were little, just to remind me to relax and flow with this stage of development. I found it again recently on the internet – author unknown.
The Toddler’s Creed
If I want it, it’s mine.
If I give it to you & I change my mind later, it’s mine.
If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks like mine, it is mine.
No truer words were ever spoken.
Dealing with a tenacious toddler who always wants their way is one thing, dealing with a stubborn adult is quite another. But when that stubborn adult’s brain is affected by Alzheimer’s, it then makes sense that they start behaving like a toddler.
With a toddler, it’s sometimes easier when you’re in a hurry, to just tie their shoes for them, instead of waiting for the 15 minutes they need to tie them by themselves. Even when they protest with an emphatic “I do it myself!!” For mom, it’s about trying to balance having her complete tasks, just to keep her brain engaged and keep her active, with needing to move things along because every task takes so much time. Very often I err on the side of wanting to engage her brain to keep the Alzheimer’s from progressing, as if I have the capacity to make that happen. Every time she gets out of the car, and I do mean every time, she stands next to the car and says “Should I shut the door?” Every time. Because I’m a flawed human being, having a hard time dealing with Alzheimer’s, the first 492 times she asked, I said some version of “No mom, let’s leave the car door open all night so the raccoons can have a warm place to sleep.” Or, “No mom, let’s leave the car open while we’re in the restaurant so that someone can steal from us.” Her response is always the same “So then no?” UGH….. I forget that sarcasm doesn’t work on her. You know what else doesn’t work? Logic. So for the next 612 times she asked if she should shut the car door, I said in all sincerity “Mom, can you just engage your brain with me for a minute. When you get out of the car – does is make sense to leave the car door open or closed? This seems like a simple thing that you shouldn’t have to ask.” Did I mention that logic doesn’t work?
I employ that ineffective logic regularly when she says hurtful words to me. When I’ve just walked in the door from a long day of work and she stomps her feet and emphatically states “I’M HUNGRY!” Wow. Or when I’ve told her something for the umpteenth time, and she acts like it’s the first time she’s heard it, and says “You never told me that!” So I employ my ineffective logic with a tinge of sarcasm that she can’t register. “Mom, can we both agree that your memory isn’t what it used to be? So instead of always accusing me with things like ‘You never tell me anything!’ do you think you could simply say ‘I don’t remember you telling me that?’” …yup, goes right over her head every single time……
The EduKids website goes on to say this about The Toddler’s Creed:
When toddlers are egocentric — be patient.
When toddlers want to dress themselves — give them time.
When toddlers are curious and want everything they see — be sure it is safe.
When toddlers are running all over the place — run with them.
When toddlers are defiant — don’t take it personally.
And when toddlers want only you — hold on to them and enjoy each moment!
I could say the same thing about my mom. She’s egocentric – and I’m trying my best to enjoy that about her, even though it makes me crazy most of the time. Her bright green fingernail polish, her plastic beads she wears daily with 4 rings all on one finger. She dresses herself, and I want her to continue to do that – keeping her brain engaged. Even if she ends up with 3 pairs of underwear on, one sock, mismatched shoes, and her bra on upside down (yes, you read that last one correctly). It takes at least an hour to get pants and a top on, but she does it herself. The hardest part for me is when she becomes defiant.
Here’s the thing though… I say she’s in the stage of “it’s all about me,” but really, this thing is all about me. If I could just change my responses to her, life would be so much easier. If I could change how I see her, as a victim of this terrible disease that won’t allow her mind to function any longer. If I could see that, I think I could change. But seeing that is such a struggle for me. I want her to be the same competent, sweet, caring person she’s always been, be she just can’t be that with Alzheimer’s, or at least I’m unable to see it.
One evening after a particularly hard conversation with words and tears, I found the above note from her. She’s in there, somewhere, and when she’s having a good moment, I get glimpses of my “mom-without-Alzheimer’s,” and what a treat that is. But as quickly as the clarity-in-the-moment comes, it surely leaves.
I’ve mentioned that God and I are tight. His mercies are new every morning. So every night when I’m repenting of my attitude with mom, He is right there to love me through it. And it’s kind of a good thing that mom doesn’t remember my sarcasm and frustrating lectures for more than five minutes! So that just leaves me needing to learn how to forgive my humanness and extend grace to myself on this Alzheimer’s Adventure.
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