My mom loved lipstick. The brighter, the better. Shades of deep red and hot pink – she loved them all. Even in retirement, she would get up by 7am each morning and get completely dressed with makeup and jewelry. She was from that generation. She was Marie Barone. Me, I’m the opposite. If I’m not going to work, I don’t get out of my pajamas all day. And if I run to the grocery on a Saturday, I go without makeup. Such a foreign concept to my mom. So much so, that over the years, lipstick became a bone of contention between us, in a fun-but-sometimes-frustrating way. Don’t get me wrong, I like makeup, and lipstick definitely helps bring color to my otherwise pale face. But if mom ever saw me without lipstick, she reminded me I needed to put some on. For example: Mom picking me up at the airport at 11pm says “Honey you look like you’re dragging. Why don’t you put lipstick on – you’ll feel better?” Oh, I don’t know mom – maybe because I’ve been travelling all day with two little ones, and I am dragging… I need sleep, not lipstick! “Here, you can borrow mine!” Sorry mom. I don’t do bright red. Or at breakfast “Put some lipstick on – you need some color in your face.” You get the idea.
Mom died a couple weeks ago, and the first thing I thought about was lipstick, and how it was an important part of our banter over the years. So, I decided I was going to go purchase a new shade for her funeral. It was my way of feeling connected to her in that moment. I went to the make-up counter at a local department store, and here’s how the conversation went:
Me: Hi, I’d like some funeral lipstick please.
Salesclerk: What?
Me: Funeral lipstick. I need some funeral lipstick.
Confused salesclerk: I’m sorry, what?
Me: My mom died, and I want a new shade of lipstick to wear to her funeral.
Salesclerk: Stunned silence
Mom died suddenly and unexpectedly, even though she had suffered from Alzheimer’s disease for years. When I got the call that she had passed, I think I just didn’t know what to do. Focusing on lipstick for a few hours gave me purpose and made me feel a bit more in control of that helpless situation. It gave me something to do; something to take my mind off all the stuff that now needed to be done.
Finding ways to stay connected with the person we lost is the most important part of the grieving process. For me, in that moment, it was lipstick. I found myself reminiscing about all the lipstick conversations we had over the years, and it brought a smile to my face. Truth be told, it also distracted me, even if for a moment, from the pain of loss.
The funeral was simple, with family and close friends – just how mom would have wanted it. Busch Funeral and Crematory Services is an amazing organization, and they paid attention to every detail in caring for mom. They are the standard-bearers in this industry. During the service I had the tube of funeral lipstick in my pocket to touch whenever I got overwhelmed or needed to feel connected to mom. No one knew about it – it was just between the two of us. But it was real. It represented our relationship. And it was a beautiful shade of beige.
So there you have it - funeral lipstick…. I think I may be on to something!
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